As he walked away, a thought suddenly occurred to me. He was telling me his truth, just not with his facts. He was telling me he wanted to be seen as special. He wanted me to believe that he was loved. I assume because he thought himself neither special nor loved at all.
A lot of raw honesty came from his little tale. I have never forgotten it.
How much of the truth we hear is factual? Probably not very much. But there is a truth locked in its cage of words. It comes from the person telling it.
Recognizing that truth is subjective and often tainted by even those we love and trust the most helped me let go of my ego a bit when noticing I was probably not getting all the facts as they occurred. If you listen honestly, you get a sense of what’s probably real. If you pay attention, you’ll start to see a pattern. Remember what it feels like to be insecure, for we have all known it. Ask yourself why that person might need to tell you a story in this way. Wonder what the moral of that story truly is.
Be compassionate with what you discover. They don’t realize they are being this vulnerable. They are working so hard to make sure that your view of them is better than their view of themselves they don’t realize how accidentally honest they’re being. Use that knowledge wisely and kindly.
This advice is more for you than them, really. For how they come to terms with their own identity is not likely solved by a confrontation about fibbing. That’s only a symptom of larger issues. They probably need more assistance than you can give them, but give what you can anyway. Be at peace with them first right where they are. That is the best way to transform anything we are challenged by toward the best possible version of themselves. Gently nudge them forward, don’t push them off a cliff.
Pride and ego make too many decisions for us. When we have been deceived we behave in all sorts of unhelpful ways. It’s not that we shouldn’t respond when people lie, prevaricate, mislead, exaggerate, or fib. And we must also leave room for the near-universal fallibility of human memory. But we should more purposefully consider our real goals when responding to intentional untruth. Our goal should be to achieve the highest number of safe, happy, healthy people on the planet as possible. Which means that our job is to rehabilitate when we would rather retaliate.
Remember that head-on confrontations don’t usually end up well. Be smart and strategic when addressing untruth. Remember your principles and use them to help you respond with wisdom rather than react in anger.
Listen honestly when others cannot speak it. Listen to their heart. It’s easier to understand the language of the heart than the mind anyway. It has a vocabulary of only two words. They are ‘love’ and ‘fear.’
Protect yourself with knowledge rather than wasting energy maintaining a wary stance of distrust. It’s too much work. The armor is too heavy. Let it go. Truth isn’t truth, as it has been recently said. But it’s okay. Because surface facts are not always the part which matter most. Know the difference and make a principled choice for each.
Hold people accountable for outright lies, however, because they are intentional misdirections meant to shield the truth about one person or group, often at the expense of harming another. They are used to create personal gain and avoid responsibility. They are a theft. A lie is a literal sin against right relationship. A lie is a foundation of sand for anything ever built upon it. Bring it into the light. It has no beneficial role in society, except in its discovery. But still, handle those moments with emotional restraint. We get so mad when people lie to us. While we have a right to our anger, we mustn't decide how to handle a lie with rage.
Keep it all in perspective. Be gentle. Kind, but firm. Be consistent in your principles and patient with both yourself and others. If you spend your life seeking lies, you will always find them. If you spend it seeking truth, you just might find some of that as well.
No comments:
Post a Comment