As a child, I was not known for taking no for an answer. I don’t have the impression that I was rude, just persistent. I have distinct memories of my mother repeatedly pleading, “Stop badgering me!” If I was to be told no, I wanted to understand why. I wanted to agree with the reasoning. I wanted an explanation.
Since the badgering was likely a result of frustration, I assume it’s because the reasoning I needed was not forthcoming. Apparently, mom wasn’t offering an adequate rationale for the denial of my request, and “because I said so” wasn’t cutting it. To be sure, her reasoning was probably sound, I just wasn’t agreeing with it, in all likelihood, barely post-toddler that I was.
I really had no standing to outwit or outsmart her. Also, my mother has always been a reasonable, kind person and her parenting skills were almost uniformly gentle. Only volume and length of word gave away her anger. (The angrier she got with us, the longer the words she used. I have an extensive vocabulary to this day with cause.) So I’m perfectly comfortable with acknowledging that I didn’t know my ass from my elbow at the age of 4 and she was likely right.
But it points to a character trait that has ultimately led me to a profession where the biggest questions are asked, yet the answers are always insufficient. I badger the Universe with, “Why?” Sometimes I get answers which I deem sufficient. Or at least, intuitive thoughts I conclude to be answers. Most of the time I do not perceive a response. Which of course, I consider to be inadequate. So I keep asking. To my memory, God has never asked me to stop badgering It. Ergo, today I’m a persistent theologian with an equally-persistent optimistic streak. I obviously wouldn’t keep asking if I had no hope in the existence of a reasonable answer.
This tendency makes me curious about rules which have no apparent acceptable rationale to support them. If people are required to follow a rule, we should, ideally, have buy-in to the reason why. This country was founded on that exact idea. It has supported the very culture which gives us the right to question the laws of both man as well as God.
For instance, I think everyone should play with their food. Or at least be always free to do so. Regardless of age. Even when company is present. So long as the food is still eaten, still appreciated, does it cause actual harm to sculpt the potatoes? If you’re embarrassed that your child is doing it, first ask yourself what does the sculpting say about your child? Then ask, what does your embarrassment say about you?
When we take a look at arbitrary rules, we often find that they are more about control than care. They are authoritarian when the authoritative approach is wiser.
In religion, we find many statements which can be defined as laws, rules, advice, and guidelines, in decreasingly heavy-handed order. My desire to understand them is as strong as my requirement to agree with them. I personally don’t follow religious rules unless I agree with them and understand the rationale as to why they exist. However, their presence in sacred texts makes me faithfully conclude that they do have a purpose of some kind, whether for all time/all places/all people, or for a specific group at a specific time, there is possibly a bit of wisdom behind them. Or evidence of a desire to control people. Either one of which is a curiosity to me.
Question all rules which appear to be, or reveal themselves to be, arbitrary. Why can’t boys cry? Why must we obey our elders? And circumcision, for that matter! Why are we still adhering to these things?
The fact is, that’s the exact process all of human society is going through right now. Everything is being checked for authenticity and value. Old outdated ideas are being jettisoned at a rate alarming to some. Pray for them. They are kind of freaking out.
Be gentle with the authority we have to clear out old rules and old ways of being. Remember that it’s a difficult and scary process for some to recognize that it’s okay to play with your food now. It just demonstrates a creativity that should be identified and nurtured, not repressed. The world is better when we let go of these old authoritarian ways. But it’s a process that requires the use of compassion along with our fortitude.
We are enduring a sacred process of evaluation. Nothing is immune. That’s a good thing, but uncomfortable. Be a balm of comfort to those afraid of change even as we work to dismantle the traditional inequities of the past. Be at peace with yourself as well. That’s one bit of spiritual advice that’s definitely not arbitrary.
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