Like many of us, I’ve made a few less-than-intelligent choices in my life. Most have caused no lasting repercussions, but others I’ve had to work to avoid living in a constant state of regret over the harm they’ve caused. Generally, it’s been only harmful to me, but not always. Nothing terribly major. Some hurt feelings here and there, but enough to make me feel guilty. And I have an unfortunate tendency to ruminate on things like that.
Some of my less-than-optimal actions become guilt-fodder for decades, despite the fact that they weren’t all that bad in the first place. Once, years ago, I paid a compliment to a local store owner for the renovations she’d made inside her shop. I followed up by saying, “and now you can do something about the exterior.” Not only was that rude on its own, but what I hadn’t realized was that she’d just finished the exterior renovations that week and I hadn’t even noticed them on the way in. She was immediately hurt.
This, of course, was no earth-shattering breach. I apologized and we moved on. But I’ve managed to kick myself for over fifteen years now about it every single time I pass that store. She isn’t even in that space anymore, left it years ago, but here I am beating myself up several times a week.
Is this useful? Is it necessary? I’m assuming I’m not alone in this. Some of my ongoing guilt has to do with the fact that I haven’t reached out to her to let her know it’s been on my mind all this time. Hearing from her that it’s okay might make me feel better. Should that be necessary in order for me to let it go? But what if she’s been hurt by it for all these years too?
Would finding that out make me feel worse? And what does it say about her own character if she’d been festering all this time about something so small? How guilty should I feel about her inability to let it go? Where is the limit?
This is obviously a small, single concern in the much broader scheme of life. But small concerns add up to big mountains of emotional debris over time. Left untended, we begin to show signs of suffering literal shame and trauma, but without a single event to point to about it. The saplings grow into a forest of small issues to which we give small credit individually, but they make such a canopy. We don’t stop to consider how a general lack of unforgiveness toward ourselves has caused a big, overshadowing problem with no real understanding as to why.
This all comes from working outside the space of forgiveness. If, for instance, she really is still gnashing her teeth over my gaffe from years ago, she needs to consider forgiving me for her own sake. But I don’t have any control over that. I do, however, have some control over myself.
First, I have to not only acknowledge my feelings but also give permission to forgive myself. Something we generally forget we need to do. When I go by that store I need to deliberately insert a higher thought than guilt. From now on, I’m going to picture her saying to me, “It’s okay, Wil” when I pass by that store. Whenever I feel bad about it, I’m going to deliberately reconfigure my ruminations.
Because it is okay. It’s just feelings. And, note to self, the fact I feel so strongly about something of this size points to the likelihood of even older, more pervasive issues. Because there is no such thing as a disproportionate reaction. It’s always proportional to something, usually from our past.
Life is too short to be so un-self-forgiving. With all that’s occurred in the past few years, this is a time to get rid of old resentments, especially of the self. Chip away at them with intent. Say to yourself, “I am worth forgiving.” And then pay attention to what happens next. An increasing lightness of self awaits.
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